Identity is one of the things most capable of dividing a group of people as to its definitions, its meanings, and its relations to life's many trials and tribulations. Identity, be it gender, species, or otherwise, defines a firm jumping off point for almost all of our relative thoughts. In this sense, then, identity is a core to the most important parts of the concept of "self". Within Buddhism, there is the doctrine of अनात्मन् (anātman), which roughly translates to "non-self". Many people have varying interpretations of this doctrine, but the core concept is shared; that being that there is no unchanging self to be found.

I, despite being most definitely not Buddhist, do somewhat agree with this doctrine; in my years of walking the earth I've found that my understanding of self has not remained static, but ebbed and flowed freely, as if like water, and changed not based on any external factors, but simply by the changing of my world-view, and the feelings that have unearthed themselves via self-reflection.

This is an (as of writing) up-to-date account of my reflections.


A long time has passed since I first put my feet upon the mountain that is identity. I was fairly young when I first learnt how to label the emotions I felt back then; I must've only been around 13. I had toyed with the wishes for change, to be something else, since I was about 10. Back then, it felt taboo, like I must be incredibly weird, or downright deranged, to have had such wishes. Those wishes of mine were, of course, to be a girl.

And, of course, looking back, something was further beneath the surface, something that I didn't see.

I spoke to those who understood my situation, with hatred and passion towards the concept of "gender". Why was it so culturally ingrained? Why can't people just act, and present, as they please? I learnt early on that people, usually cisgender heterosexual people, did not enjoy my thoughts regarding gender, as if they were evil in nature. I took from this to hide those thoughts as, while I may have grown up in an era where Trans acceptance was rising, people were not so keen to see their world-view rocked by some upstart such as myself.

I played the proverbial game with the doctors fairly well, though. I worked my way up, from the GIDS to the GIC, with relative ease. Gnawing at the back of my mind, though, thoughts of "why is it all like this" still emerged. And within online communities, and local circles, I voiced my thoughts such as those with minimal push back. This should've probably been enough for me.

And yet, when I turned around 19, my mood again started to shift, but this time, it was not in terms of gender.


I had long since become blessed with the knowledge of therianthropy; fairly old videos recorded by media bigwigs trying to make a group of perceived "weirdos" look even worse, with a certain broadcast by Logo TV being riffed on repeatedly. Internet talk-pieces calling therians all sorts of mean-spirited names. I, like with most research areas riddled with petty internet squabbling, did my research, and then ignored any further misdirection. I need not pay attention to those who only output vitriol. It's never good for your health to pay attention to that, and I already learnt that early in my life.

I didn't think at the time that I would turn towards it as a part of my own identity, yet at the age of 19, I had become ingrained with the idea and concept that I was, in some parts, a canine. Obviously, that isn't 1:1, since I'm probably a heck of a lot smarter than your average dog, but I felt a link to that sort of identity, and becoming a bit more dog-like made me feel better.

People like to squabble over what "therian" means, what you need to feel to be "therian"; Just like gender, all of these people are probably wrong. A label, such as "therian" or "female" is there to serve the user with a way to convey something in a not-so-accurate but good-enough sort of way. Not every person who says they're "female" is going to be the most feminine person you've witnessed, for example. We use these labels as relative markers, not as absolutes.

Those who see the labels as absolutes are often as bad as those who deny ones the ability to redefine those labels themselves.

It is inconsequential to most people, of course, whether I was therian or not. I was still transgender, and I still worked a 9-5 job. Now I had an excuse to bark, mostly at people that I didn't like. I'm probably not as hard with it as some people I know. I don't say "I'm a dog" to everyone I meet. I've never needed to; this is too internal to me, to who I see myself as, for most people to need or care. It is somewhat spiritual in nature, an unseen bond indescribable by any terms conjured by humanity.

Neo-genesis, or Rebirth

Those thoughts at the back of my head returned, twisted, turned, and made me realise my hatred for my masculinity was probably somewhat overblown. It occurred to me, in my 20s, that I need to balance these a little. I, like always, ebbed and flowed with spots of masculinity, like a mild wind across a sea causing tiny waves across it's surface. This disrupted people I had known a little bit, who were not used to this from me, but within a spot of time, I had settled that, for better or for worse, I was non-binary.

But then the question hits, what type of non-binary? Non-binary is an umbrella term, so it would've been in my best interest to ask that. The best I can come up with is some state between a-gender, bi-gender, and gender-fluid. Which is to say, it doesn't really matter to me, because I'm not that picky. And with that, I had finally settled into the final state of gender, at least in my head; a state where I am free of evolution. My identity is not exactly static. I have, it seems, in terms of gender, integrated the doctrine of "anātman".

The self is never unchanging; and I have become at peace with this, at the very least. I look forward to the time where I can write more in this chronicle, when it is yet further appended with knowledge that I am yet to see.